February 3, 2010

Epiphanies. Ramblings.

I realize that this blog has been slowly turning into a cooking blog (and probably a not very good cooking blog at that, considering I have absolutely no training and very little experience to draw from). The original intention of this blog was to be a kind of e-diary/scrapbook for me...a way for me to express my emotions online, and a therapeutic way to work through some issues...because it is easier to type than it is to write, and because maybe then it would be easier for those close to me to understand how I feel or what I am going through; as well as being a way to keep in touch and share pictures and stories.

There are several reasons why it never quite became those things. 1. I love to cook. And eat. It makes me happy and is one of my few "constructive" releases. It is an outlet for my creativity and I really enjoy both the process and the finished product. Plus, it is a way for me to share and give something of myself to the people that I love when they come over to eat. Cooking takes up a lot of my time and energy, so naturally it is a topic that I like to talk/write about. 2. I've been struggling with self-reflection. Mostly because it is hard to look inward at yourself when you can't find anything good to focus on, and because there are piles and piles of issues and guilt inside me that are hard to deal with. Did I mention that I am an avoid-er? 3. I don't really want people to feel sorry for me. I don't want people to think I'm just bitching and whining "poooor me!" I also don't want this blog to become something super negative that brings people down when they read it. 4. I don't know if I believe that anyone else really can understand. I mean, people can sympathize and empathize and choose to not judge me (which I really do appreciate, by the way), but seriously - every person is different. Every marriage is different, therefore every divorce is different. Everyone's emotions are different and their experiences are different. The way people deal with things are all very different, which makes it very difficult for anyone to understand my specific scenario. At this time I would like to say a big THANK YOU to those of you who have really tried to understand, or those of you who don't understand but love and support me anyway. 5. I have a hard time sharing how I really feel with most people. I don't think that I was always that way, but I have somehow managed to become one of those people that talks a lot, but says very little (when it comes to my problems, anyway). I think even my closest friends and family were shocked when I announced Jim and I separated, because I had so successfully closed off true/open communication with almost everyone (especially my husband).

These are all reasons that this blog has become more superficial and less intimate/autobiographical. However, the other night I was writing in my 'paper' journal and thinking, "OMG - writing by hand SUCKS! My hand hurts! I should totally start an e-journal because I can type so much faster than I can write." And then I was like, "DUH - I have an e-journal! My blog is suppose to be my e-journal!" So I started thinking about all this stuff and wondering if I could really use this as an actual journal, and I decided that no - I could never use this blog in the same way that I use my paper journal. Just for the fact that some thoughts are way too personal - and there are some things that are best kept private. Sometimes some of the thoughts or ideas or concepts I write down are things I don't want anyone to see. Some things aren't even true. Most things aren't completely true - they are just thoughts that I am having at that moment. And usually, the only time I feel the need to journal is when I am sad or angry or if I have an "epiphany" of some sort (yes, I have brilliant epiphanies all of the time - stop laughing. LOL.). But - there isn't any reason that I can't share some of my epiphanies with you! I don't plan to stop blogging about food - because it's something that I like to do - but I think that there are a few of you out there that would also appreciate knowing a little more than what I had for dinner and who I'm going to hang out with this weekend. Plus, I think it would be good for me to open up a little bit more. I am in the middle (or maybe even the beginning) of the long, hard process of serious soul searching and self evaluation right now, and maybe some of it would make for an entertaining read! And more importantly, maybe it will help me overcome some of the issues/challenges I listed above.

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